Day 8: Training Day

If you ever need to get from Nowhere to London let me know. First breakdown of Blondvoyage has officially commenced. Let me start from the beginning...

Woke up in Oxford to meet Caroline for breakfast at "8 am sharp"... in the kitchen. She informed me that cow's milk is bad for you... I beg to differ- it has done this 6'2" body good. So, muslix,  toast and coffee satisfied before she dropped me in the center of Oxford to be a tourist. I climbed 150 steps up the gremlin-lined tower of St. Mary's for a spectacular view of the city. I then skipped across town to Christ Church where Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass) wrote his tales about the Dean's daughter Alice- much was based on parts of the college.

Before I met up with Caroline, I briefly did laps in the Ashmolean Museum... great Baroque paintings by Peter Paul Rubens and a self-portrait by Rembrandt. My favorite were stones from Mesopatamia... amethyst and jasper no bigger than almonds with extremely detailed carvings (with a needle) of animals and portraits... from 1900 B.C.! An Italian barman bought me a glass of wine as I waited for Caroline...

She left me with a "picnic" at the train station and off I went to Ashford Kent (south) to stay with a friend of a friend of a friend. Two hours later I arrive in Ashford, only to get to "Papa Spyke's" home, drop off Luigi and Roo (backpacks) and head BACK into the city to attend my friend Lewis' networking party. I've been on trains ALL day. If I hear MIND THE GAP one more time... I arrived an hour and a half later at the 8 Club, a members only swank-fest that was impossible to find.

Quickly, the low-down on "Papa Spyke": Born in Belgium. Played professional rugby for 10 years in South Africa. Was "discovered" there and started modeling for all the major designers in the mid-80's (first bald, white, tattoo-covered model). Began body building, acting and doing stunt work. After too much cocaine and steriods, his heart decided to stop and he was in a coma for months. After open heart surgery, learning how to walk and talk again, he will go in for another open-heart surgery in two weeks. QUITE the life story and such a gentleman.

So, Lewis and I attended high school together in St. Louis and he has since written a book on LinkedIN and hosts networking shin-digs all over the world... so there were over 200 industry loonies (including the guy that holds the World Record for juggling a soccer ball- 24 hours!)- that all smelled like honey and sage. I've decided English men are NOT for this girl.... Martha Manners must always be "on." They'd think I was a trashbag.

A few hours later we (Hannah- Lew's lady friend- he and I) walked outside and Lewis heard salsa music... uh-oh. We found it next door in a basement and he just HAD to dance. So Hannah and I ordered Tapas and watched him sweat it out on the dance floor.  It was time for me to catch my train back to Ashford, so they rode with me as far as they could and we said our good-byes. I then asked two guards what train would take me to Ashford and they told me to follow them, as they were headed there as well. We ended up sprinting down the platform to make it and an hour later, I arrived in Ashford... SURREY. NOT Ashford KENT. Fan-fricking-tastic...

11:59 pm: Get off train with an old lady. It is desolate. Dark. Cold. No cars. No people. Nothing. I ask her how to get back to London. "That was the last train love," as she gets into her car and drives away. Mind goes from 0-70 in seconds...

12:05 am: I get my "wits" about me and walk into "town"- read: Harrison, Montana in the dead of winter when the all the locals are on holiday. Except I would feel ALOT safer in Harrison. So I walk around, looking for signs of life, wondering if God is bored and wanted some entertainment.

12:15 am: Find the ONLY light on in town and it's a 24 hour Taxi service! No shit! Go in and interupt "Rajul's" Indiana Jones marathon to have him call a few hotels nearby to see if there are rooms available. Oh p.s. my cell phone died...  "All booked? Ok, thank you." I heard that come out of his mouth about 19 times before he found the "Travel Lodge" in Sunbury, 15 minutes away. Take me there PLEASE.

1:00 am: "Mohammed" checks me in but says he can't use my credit card because it doesn't have a chip. Its 2010 buddy, not 2110, I know that's the new "thing" but this good, old fashioned black strip on the back will still work. "Do you have cash?" It was all I could do to not reach over the counter and give him a "hammer" blow to the adams apple. "NO. I DON'T HAVE CASH. Hence the credit card." He grabs "Mindy" who doesn't know what to do either. Finally I lean over and see a  swiper... just swipe it in there! "Oh, there it is." Hire the handicap.

1:30 am: Get to my room. No phone. Could this get any more difficult? Go back downstairs, "Yo Mo, where's a payphone?" "Payphone? We don't have phones here." They need a damn credit card with a chip on it for payment but they don't have TELEPHONES.

1:33 am: Crawl into bed (mattress with a sheet) with all my clothes on because its FREEZING and turn on the news. They rescued a woman buried under rubble that was still alive after a week in Haiti. I'm an ASSHOLE. I count my lucky stars and pass out.

"Smart has plans. Stupid has stories."

Off to Paris tomorrow, let the adventure continue!

P.S. I'll be posting more pictures soon :)