DAY 36: HAIRY MOLE

I don’t know how Mary did it… being the mother of a savior is hard work. Dark circles and crows feet are prevalent… too bad Estee Lauder wasn’t around back then. You can tell she’s an “Unplanned Pregnancy Mom”… pissed off, never smiles, throws on whatever’s on the floor and has painters in her face all the time. The daily tease from saints and prophets must have been painstaking… “look but don’t touch”… it’s like walking into an Italian disco and realizing all the gorgeous men are gay. I think Paul was trying to home wreck on Joseph… the “Days of our Lives” circa B.C... Little did we know that the paparrazi have been around for centuries… Jesus was like a Brangelina baby- people just couldn’t get enough of him- when Mary is the real hero, giving birth unwillingly to a media brat… tough luck, but it made her famous! What people will do do to get their mug in the media... (Yes, I realize I have a beer waiting for me in hell…)

Uffizi, Uffizi! Mawvelous work, simply mawvelous. Strokes so fine, light shines through feathers, perfectly straight cross-hatching on ribbon, gold details are finely stamped into the wood canvas portraying horse bridles, halos and even monkey collars. Some artists were so enthralled in the detail of jewelry and fabric, that they’d forget to paint fingernails! I felt as faint as fat baker being corseted when I turned the corner to stand face to face with Botticelli’s “Madonna on a Half Shell” (The Birth of Venus)… the Goddess of Love stands enraptured by the sight of us all, gawking at her promiscuously nude figure. She made me want to get hair extentions… on the opposite wall stood the Three Graces with Miss Venus herself and Flora in "Prima Vera" (Spring). Botticelli really knows how to have fun with color- he and Isaac Mizrahi would style out a whimsically fabulous penthouse. Unfortunately my interior design dreams were instantly shattered when a Japanese man and his mole with (I shit you not)  THREE INCH LONG GREY HAIR sprouting out from his chin, OVER his collar. Gag reflex was tested, kept the gelato down, but it was a close call.  Anyone who knows me well, understands my disgust, allergic reaction, phobia of hair in general, attached, detached, whatever… if he doesn’t have family members that love him enough to tell him to REMOVE that sucker, I’ll volunteer, gas mask and all. The world can do without hypocrites and hairy moles.

Following Baby Jesus, baby Jesus, Madonna, Peter, Mags, Paul, Matty, Jerome, Leo, Michael, Guy Richie, and my presentation of “Madonna with the Long Neck” (which I could never say without thinking “Long Duck Dong” from Pretty in Pink…) totally aced it… only because I have taken this class before, back in 2003 (obv. not in Italy)… Celine where are you? (“It’s all coming back, it’s all coming back to me now”). Other classmates were STRESSING out about presenting their paintings… it took me 7 years of college to realize that stress, does nothing, and procrastination is key- I work best under pressure anyway…

“The Harv” is totally in his element… he lived in Florence for a year, so it’s as if we’ve awakened The Beast of Art’s Past- good thing I’m a sponge and suck up information like it’s my job. (Ha.)  The San Lorenzo market  closes at 2 pm, and I waltzed in at 2:05 like I owned the place… being an inobstrucable blond has it’s advantages… pointing to brie cheese, “What’s that???” Professional fromagers look at me like I’m an idiot, saying “Really, you don’t know Brie?” as if he's up there on a pedestal with Dante. Of COURSE I know Brie, as he hands me a huge sample, on baguette, with parma ham. I know what I’m doing people, free lunch parade through the closing counters at the food market, duh. Loraine quiche is heaven, by the way… dried apricots, almonds, swiss, salami, bananas and an AVOCADO!!! (first one I’ve found in Italy) The Ponto Vecchio (bridge) is TA’ DIE… jewelry shop after jewelry shop after jewelry shop… did I die yesterday and come back to this metal-gemlicious paradise for all my good-doing? A shop owner came outside and handed me a hankerchief to remove the drool from my chin…

I’m confident I’ve developed an intolerance for lactose. And gluten. My intestines HATE me right now… gonna try to cut out cheese, milk, yogurt, gelato, pizza, rolls, paninos, cereal…. Great diet. Good Luck… Florence rocks my world… ciao ciao ciao!