DAY 62: Slip Sack Gypsy Wack

We recited the entire script of The Hangover this morning, strictly from memory (it was that bad, sad). When you go to bed at 5 a.m., the probability of getting an "early start" is as slim as Lindsay Lohan's dogwood sapling frame. Speaking of trees... once we got our "wits" about us (including the hottest shower I've taken in weeks... and I shaved for the first time. In WEEKS. Call me at nine nine fo-fo fo nine nine, pronounced in your raspiest Chamiqua voice), we sauntered downstairs to be sleepily greeted by Looey... "Bahahaha, you going out again?!?!" 

"F no," we exclaimed disgruntledy, in unison.

Pointing to Ann: "You straight head, no drunk... you (pointing to Rabbit) repeat self 12 times- Mi Dispiace (I'm sorry, over and over again), and you (pointing to yours truly), "Sway like tree in wind" (insert jazz-hand motion). #17 on Whit's Top 25 Finer Moments In Life! (yes, there are AT LEAST 25)... after bidding "MOLTO DISPIACIUTA" (very sorry), we Hi-5ed each other out the door for another epic night and grabbed a sando and a cappuccino 4 times too small, unsatisfying and uneffective.

We mastered the metro self-help ticket machine and jumped into a crowded stinky can... I reminded my nurse and lawyer compadres to mind the gap and their purses since pick-pocketers were ubiquitously scanning and slyly pouncing on "touristas," though I've yet to encounter any problems. If they are unable to tactfully reach inside, out comes a razor blade, to slit the bottom of your satchel, forcing your loose articles to trickle out the bottom into their filthy hands. We were "theftily" pushed onto the metro and I gave my famous "Don't mess with me" glare to an adolescent brat shoving me in the back... after posting up on the opposite side of the train, I realized a woman sitting behind me resembled a slit sack gypsy wack, so I pulled "Trixie" in front of me. I watched (insert choice words here) "the young girl" jump off the train just before the doors slammed shut... I suddenly looked down at my beloved Trixie and realized she'd been fondled and taken advantage of! And it is "tricky" to get this hussy unzipped (hence the reason I picked her up off the corner- she's tough)... luckily (I'd like to think) my death glare made my potential crook think twice about stealing from a 6'2" blond into a confined space and mess with a B.V. member... this "supposedly” innocent 7th grader was really a con-artist trying to rob my darlin'... enclosed was my ITouch, credit, debit, deck-o-54 cards and a fresh pack of fruit Mentos... they are cunning little boogers, but my Trixie was taught by the Master Trickster... don't mess with tall b!tches. Period, end of story. Rabbit lightened my mood by telling me about a 400 pound patient that came in (to give birth to a baby seal) and her fellow male colleague, "Nurse Focker," told her he'd get the IV while she "kept her wet..." Later informing her that he stuck the needle in and "straight sausage gravy came out!" I threw up in my mouth, but was instantly uplifted for some sickening reason...

We eventually reached the Colosseum, Yeah! Since I've been, I stationed myself outside the station in the grass to sketch... After an hour and a half of tourists walking by grinning and skeptically approaching me, looking for permission to catch a glance of my masterpiece and making conversation about how they were "in the Peace Corps with this guy from Cincinnati who liked to draw and I used to take pictures of his stuff and you remind me of him, because you're drawing... and he used to draw... R.I.P. Paul..." Good God! That is either the most bassackwards way of hitting on someone, or you're simply a creepy Japanese bi-linguist. I couldn't wait for the "animals" to escape from the slaughtering portion of their tour so we could continue on through the Forum... it was about 3:30 and the light was positively enchanting. Calm breezes added a pinch of life to our hung over mugs during our gladiator portrait montage... shadows came to life from behind stoic pillars that watched over the sacred grounds... Constantine and his men may rest easy, understanding that their victories are not only acknowledged, but silently admired and still respected to this day. 

For leaving only an afternoon to "see" Rome, we metroed across the city to see "The City," the Vatican City that is... I was bound and determined to smuggle my pets to the top of Saint Pete's Basilica for a fantastic view of the "other" city... unfortunately the roof closes at 5 p.m. on Sundays and we hustled in at 5:45... shucks. Pete's front doors close at 6 p.m., so instead of rushing through the largest Christian church in the world, we opted for crepes and gelato. Yes, both crepes, and gelato. WHEN IN ROME! A big, fresh, warm crepe smothered in Nutella kept the ravenous Animal and I content while we waited in line for "Old Bridge" gelato (outside the Vatican walls)... Rabbit phoned her fiancé as we licked dripping Nutella from our fingertips, informing the darling elderly women behind us "Si, we are getting gelato, AS WELL." She died laughing and told us all her grandchildren's names and their favorite flavors... Blood orange and strawberry made my life worth living- AMAZING. We wandered through streets, in silence, until we licked our last lick and decided shopping was in order. After poaching a potential dinner spot, we did some damage in Diesel, Italian shoes stores and the next best thing to French lingerie, Italian lingerie... I don't know what is programmed in a credit card to trigger your appetite, but it is uncanny! We returned to Zigaetana Ristorante where we found ourselves in a gluttonous ecstasy... warm rosemary focaccia, a bucket-o-mussels in tomato broth, fried saffron rice, polenta, mozzarella and anchovies. And that was just the beginning! I went with the pumpkin tortellini with mussels, clams, prawns and tomatoes... so filling, flavorful and heavenly... we began with a bottle of chilly vino bianco and finished with a pistachio tiramisu (good, but not mind blowing). We basically worked off at least half of our calories laughing our guts out, embarrassing our waiter "Jimbo" and the model couple behind us... we agreed that we are allowed to be lesbians in Italia because the women are so gorgeous, it just doesn't make sense! Maybe they've never TASTED homemade pasta and gelato! (Look, but don't touch...)

We slooooowly made our way back to our home metro, Barbarini and grabbed some Big Gulps of H2O from a happenin' little grocery/cafe'... where some PRIZE WINNING tunes i.e. Simply Red's "You Make Me Feel Brand New” blared out of Italian speakers... don't mind the fact that they were being BELTED by "Abhayankari" our Asian cashier... sing with me now:

"God bless you... TAT'LL BE 8 AND 56 EUROS, PER FAVORE...


You make me feel bLand new...


For God blessed me wiT you...


You make me feel bLand new...

I sing Tis song because you...

 GRAZIE, CIAO...
Make me feel bLand new."

Worst lyrics in Billboards Hot 100 circa 1974, yet brought back by popular demand, by (drum roll please....) "ABHAYANKARI!!!" Great time in Roma... off to Florence tomorrow... CIAO!